For as long as I could remember, I’ve been obsessed with my weight.

As I scroll through my FB memories every day, I’m highly likely to come across a health/diet related post. Some from early high school. Paleo, Whole 30, HerbaLife, working out, calorie counting…. you name it.

But here I’m reading these memories while IM STILL FAT.

It’s not that I don’t try to lose weight, I do. I just fall into fad diets that aren’t long term & I quickly get discouraged if I’m not seeing that number on the scale move.

I’ve given up on myself far too many times.

I recently had an epiphany after watching a TikTok video where a lady said ‘even when you lose the weight, you’ll still be in the same body’.

I then realized how many years I’ve spent waiting to have a body that I could love. If I don’t love it now, how can I be sure I’ll ever love it? This is the only body I’ll ever have and it deserves to be loved in every form.

I’ve spent so much time living in the past reminiscing on a time when I had a body I thought I once loved. Back in high school I was much smaller. Then I realized, I’ve never loved my body. I was as ungrateful then as I am now.

I’ve been my biggest bully throughout the years. I have not been kind to myself. I have not loved myself.

It’s just not fair to treat my one and only body like it isn’t good enough.

I avoid taking photos, and I have very few photos with my baby girl or my husband. Man, the thought of wearing a swimsuit is mortifying, I hadn’t worn one in probably 7 years. I constantly miss out on making and capturing memories. It’s unfair. If I died today, I wouldn’t even have an accurate collection of photos that reflect the past few years of my life, the best few years of my life.

This body carried a baby for 41 weeks and delivered without any health complications. This body then proceeded to nurse a human for 27 months. This body survived the peak of a global pandemic. This body is resilient and strong. Its probably time I appreciate it more.

If I’m being honest, my closet is filled with brand new clothes that are two sizes too small. I bought them with the intention of losing the weight. For some reason I feel like I’m not allowed to buy the bigger clothes that actually fit because it means I’ve given up on losing the weight. The smaller clothes are a reward… a prize.

I spend most days wearing heavily worn yoga pants and hand-me-down t-shirts from my mom. I know, despicable.

I finally decided to start shopping for my current body. I finally made a choice to purchase clothing that would make me feel good about myself— clothes that compliment my body. It’s crazy how different it makes me feel. I feel great, actually. Self care isn’t a reward, it’s a necessity.

I finally made a choice to live in the moment and appreciate my life for what it is today. I’m no longer basing my life on ‘what-if’s’ and whatever I think the future will hold for me. Life is far too short to not value every single moment.

Self confidence and body positivity isn’t a glamorous thing, it’s emotionally difficult.

It’s tough because I have to acknowledge, address, truly accept the parts of myself that I once despised.

Authentic confidence takes ugly work. It’s probably gonna be a lifelong journey– but I finally got the balls to start.

It’s so challenging to love a body that doesn’t fit into society’s standards of beauty the expectations I’ve set for myself.

Its unfair to punish myself.

I deserve better.

Now, I’m not giving up on living a healthier life. Shoot, one day, I just might be able to fit those clothes in my closet that are two sizes too small. I just genuinely think the process will be much easier if I make a choice to be kind to my body. This is my vow to consistently prioritize self-care. This is my vow to love my body for what it is. This is my vow to live my best life, unapologetically!

It may just be a fat girl summer for me, but I’m damn sure gonna enjoy myself.